When the Heart Is Breaking

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."1

E. Kittredge wrote, "'I am trying to trust,' said one who had heard the earth falling on the casket which held the cold form of the dearest human friend, 'I am trying to trust,' and so I have seen a bird with a broken wing trying to fly. When the heart is broken, all our trying will only increase our pain and unrest. But if, instead of trying to trust, we will press closer to the Comforter, and lean our weak heads upon his sufficient grace, the trust will come without our trying, and the promised 'perfect peace' will calm every troubled wave of sorrow."

Unfortunately, resolving grief is not quite this simple. Learning to resolve grief and trust God is not an event—it is a process, a process that takes time. To feel deserted by one whom we love leaves us destitute. We can be angry at God for taking our loved one and even angry at the one who left us. Whether we should or shouldn't feel this way is beside the point. We feel what we feel. That's the reality and these feelings need to be expressed in healthy ways to understanding friends who lovingly accept us and our feelings. Then there is the unrelenting grief that tears the heart apart. Tears—gut level tears—need to be sobbed out over and over until all the pain is dissipated. Again, this takes time. Tears are God's gift to drain the pain of unrelenting grief. Until we resolve all these painful emotions, it can be very difficult for many, if not impossible, to feel God's loving presence.

Also, at times of loss the support of loving friends is also critical. Certainly, one may need to withdraw for a brief season but not for too long. Loving support from friends is critical at this time...often for a long time.

Yes we need God but we also need people. One of the first things Jesus did at the commencement of his public ministry was to choose "twelve that they might be with him."2 And one of Jesus' hurts prior to his crucifixion was being abandoned by his disciples. If Jesus needed loving relationships, how much more do we?

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to be a loving and supporting friend with whom grieving people feel safe to unburden the pain of their broken heart. And deliver me from the curse to give advice when all that is needed is a loving heart and a listening and understanding ear. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Psalm 34:18 (NIV).
2. Mark 3:14.

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Procrastination

"When I find it convenient, I will send for you."1

When the Apostle Paul was brought before Governor Felix to be judged for his Christian faith, Paul may have come close to persuading him to become a Christian. On one occasion after listening to Paul's case, Felix trembled and sent Paul away saying he would speak to him at a more convenient time.

Today is the only day we ever have. Yesterday is gone forever. Tomorrow never comes. Whatever it is we need to do today we need to do today. Procrastination surely is the thief of time. There are many reasons why we put things off—apathy, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, habit, indifference, passive resistance, and/or just plain not-getting-around-to-doing-it.

Whatever the reason, there are some things that are far too critical to put off until a more convenient time—especially putting our life right with God.

Even though Felix spoke to Paul on a number of occasions after saying he would speak to him at a more convenient time, there is no indication that he ever accepted the Christian faith.

If you need to put things right with God and/or accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, why not do that today? As the Bible says, "Behold, now is the accepted time: behold, now is the day of salvation."2

For help on how to be sure you are a real Christian (without having to be religious) go to: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to be sure that I am a true Christian and help me to so live that it will show in my daily living. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Felix, the governor (Acts 24:25, NIV).
2. 2 Corinthians 6:2 (KJV).

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As Sick as Our Secrets

"He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion."1Earlier this evening I was reading a church-sponsored website set up to provide a safe place where people can confess their sins and failures. It was called "Sharing Secrets."

Obviously people all over are desperate to confess their sins and failures and be rid of oppressive guilt. The number of and variety of confessions were pretty much par for the course. People shared their problems with addictions, living a double life, eating disorders, gambling, pornography, adultery, hurt, lying, stealing, relationships, illicit sex, past humiliation, regret, shame, abuse, lust, substance abuse, self-harm and so on.

My best guess is that most of these people were ordinary everyday people. There may have been some but I didn't read of any who were involved in criminal activity. Some of these people held responsible positions; some were in leadership—including a pastor or two. The reality is we are all fellow strugglers in that we have all sinned, and when we do, we are plagued by guilt. Even if we repress the guilt from conscious memory, it will still plague us in one way or another.
As psychologists tell us, we are as sick as our secrets.

Every one of us needs a safe place to confess our sins and failures and to be fully forgiven. As King David said after confessing his sin with Bathsheba, "Finally, I confessed all my sins to you [God] and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.' And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone."2

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you that when I admit and confess my sins to you, you fully forgive me and set me free from guilt. Help me not to sin, but when and if I do, give me the courage to confess what I have done to you and to a safe and trusting person, pastor, priest or counselor. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

1. 1 John 1:9 (NIV).
2. Proverbs 28:13 (NASB).

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Happy Father's Day

"Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged."1

As a result of teaching in many seminars and facilitating small recovery groups over the years, I have met and talked to scores of both men and women who grew up feeling their father was emotionally absent. Consequently they struggled with a deep father wound caused by the feeling that they had never been affirmed by their fathers. I felt the same way for many years.

Having spent considerable time working to resolve my own father wound, I wrote my version of the classic poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling several years ago for my two sons who are now adults.

To Be a Man
When you can rise above your fears to conquer every challenge that comes to those who dare to climb the highest heights;

When you can keep on getting up each time you've failed or been knocked down;

When you can see your greatest strength lies in your faith and gentleness, your greatest

courage in admitting your faults, and with God's help strive to overcome them;

When you can accept responsibility for resolving all your hurts and break the chain from generations past;

When you can know and show a father's love and feel with all your heart;

When you can love yourself, others and God more than earthly gain, or fame and recognition, you will, my son, be then a man— and indeed a great man at that.*

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me as a father (and/or mother) to affirm my children emotionally so that they will know in the depths of their being that they are truly loved by me. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

Alternate prayer: Or if you are an adult child suffering from a father wound: "Dear God, please help me to find the help I need to find healing of my father wound and (if needed), to understand and forgive my father who, no doubt, was never affirmed by his father. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

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*This poem beautifully presented is available online ... > Framed at: http://tinyurl.com/33kxa4Non-Framed at: http://tinyurl.com/2pz9a8
Note: For additional help read the article, "The Healing of a Man's Father Wound" at: http://tinyurl.com/9dse4
Also see the book, A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart by H. Norman Wright at: http://tinyurl.com/32scsv
1. (Colossians 3:21 (NLT).

Lady of the Night Part III

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1

Now I knew the reason why Toni was a prostitute. She was craving a father's and mother's love which she had never had. She was also acting out her inner hurt, anger, and self-hatred in self-destructive ways. She was desperately craving for love and acceptance—obviously in all the wrong ways and places.

Apparently there was another couple involved in this “business.” They could see that things weren't going too well for them. They were closing in on Toni and trying to get her away.

I reached around to block them for a moment, put my arm around Toni's shoulder and said, "Toni, I will probably never ever see you again, but there is something very important that I want to tell you. I hope you will never forget this as long as you live. It is this: no matter what you have ever done or have failed to do—and no matter what it is, and no matter how you ever feel or don't feel, please remember that God loves you and so do I."

And with that I let go of Toni and she was taken away.

As I sat down again I felt deeply moved in my spirit. Two people had related— heart-to-heart and not merely head-to-head as in so many conversations. Then I was struck with the thought that in God's sight there wasn't that much difference between Toni and me; the only difference being that, to overcome the voice of her inner pain and emptiness, Toni became a sexaholic. To overcome my inner pain and emptiness I became a workaholic—"for God," no less! But with God, who looks on the heart and not merely on the outward appearance, there wasn't any difference—Toni and I had both sinned and come short of the perfection (wholeness) that God had envisioned for us both.2

In God's sight we were both equally sinners. And then as I sat there in deep contemplation, waiting for my friend to get off work, another truth hit me. It was this: It was a lack of love that drove Toni into acts of sin. Only love will ever take her out again!

Love, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. That's the message of Christ and true Christianity. It's the message that we all need to hear—and experience. And it's the message that Christ has for you and me today (and the message he wants you and me to give to everyone else in need). As another has said, “Christianity is experiencing divine love, divine acceptance and divine forgiveness and communicating this to every life we touch.”

So, dear reader, God wants you to know, too, that no matter what you have ever done or have failed to do, he loves you and has the gift of acceptance and forgiveness for you. It's yours for the taking. Why not respond to God's love today by confessing your need and asking for his forgiveness and healing.

For help be sure to read the article, “How to Be Sure You’re a Real Christian—without having to be religious at: http://tinyurl.com/8glq9

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me always to be accepting and non-judgmental of fellow sinners and be one to whom they feel safe to confess their sins—and help them to turn to you for your forgiveness. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus’ name, amen.”

1. John 1:9 (NIV).2. Romans 3:23.

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Lady of the Night, Part II

"They kept demanding an answer, so he [Jesus] stood up again and said, 'All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!'"1

Continuing our series on "Lady of the Night" ... I was saying how, when traveling out East, I was approached by a young lady in the lobby of a large hotel whose name was Toni (not her real name).

After asking her various questions about her background, Toni seemed to get suspicious and blurted out, "Hey, Dick, wait a minute. Nobody in my whole life has ever talked to me like this before. By the way, who are you? What do you do?"

Oh, no, I thought to myself, if I tell her who I am and what I do, she'll really clam up and that'll be the end of our conversation."

I didn't want to answer Toni's question so I stood there and grinned rather foolishly. I probably learned that technique early in life in order to disarm my mother when she was mad at me. It used to work then. It didn't now. I decided to tell Toni the truth.

"You'll never believe me," I finally replied, "but I'm a minister of religion," to which I fully expected her to give some lame excuse and leave.

But Toni never batted an eyelid. As quick as a flash she responded, "You mean you believe in the Lord?"

"Yes," I said rather relieved that my reply didn't make her turn and run.

"So do I," she said positively, and continued, "I often pray in the shower and ask God to forgive my sins."

Interesting, I thought to myself. That's pretty common. Like Pilate of old who washed his hands after he had Jesus condemned to be crucified, people still try to wash away their guilt—which neither water nor the symbolic act of washing can do. Only God can take and wash our guilt away.

But Toni didn't give me a chance to reply again. She just opened up to me. She told me all about her family and her work, how much she despised what she was doing, how unhappy she had always been, how she felt that her father had rejected and deserted her and moved a thousand miles away. She hadn't seen him since she was a little girl. She had been deeply hurt by him. She also told me in no uncertain terms how much she hated her mother.

And then came the "crunch" line. I knew there would be one, but wasn't sure what it would be. "Dick," she said with tears brimming in her eyes, "in my whole life I have never ever felt that anyone ever loved me. I am terribly lonely all of the time."

I got a little watery-eyed myself. "I can understand how you feel," I genuinely said. "I came from a broken home too. My parents were divorced. And I hated my father because I felt that he rejected me. I know what it's like to feel lonely—like you're all alone in the world and nobody loves you or even cares that you exist. I know exactly what that feels like—only too well."

To be concluded...

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please deliver me from 'casting stones' at those who I feel aren't living up to 'my' standards. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."

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1. John 8:7 (NLT).

Lady of the Night, Part I

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."1

Excuse me, Sir," I heard somebody say. I turned to see who was speaking. I was taken by surprise. A young, reasonably attractive woman was standing behind me.
She paused a moment, just long enough to get my attention, and continued, "Would you like some female company?"

I'd flown into town and had been waiting for a couple of hours in the lobby of a large Eastern hotel to meet an old friend from college days. Suddenly I was awakened out of my day-dreaming. Would I like some female company? An interesting question, to say the least, I mused to myself and then repeated the question out loud to the young woman looking at me.

I was somewhat taken aback by this rather unusual confrontation. However, it didn't take too much insight to realize that this lady of the day happened to be a "lady of the night."

But somehow I sensed as I looked into her eyes a feeling of sadness ... in spite of the brave front. So I introduced myself and asked her for her name. I'll call her Toni. I knew that here was a young lady who was undoubtedly hurting in one way or another. So I began to ask Toni questions. "Why are you in this business?" I queried.

"Because I need the money," she replied.

Undoubtedly her reply was a poor attempt to rationalize what she was doing. I didn't disagree outwardly.

"Well, tell me about yourself," I continued. "Do you have brothers and sisters? What do they do? Do you still live at home? What does your father do? And what about your mother?"

Toni began to open up and we were having an interesting conversation when suddenly she stopped, as if suspicion had caused an instant freeze on her flow of words. She blurted out, "Hey, Dick, wait a minute. Nobody in my whole life has ever talked to me like this before. By the way, who are you? What do you do?"

To be continued...

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please give me an understanding heart and be willing to listen to a person before rejecting them because of their particular lifestyle and behavior. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Colossians 4:6 (NIV).

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